The mother-daughter relationship has always been a special one. But, in a changing world, today's moms live with their own pressures, perceived failures and disappointments. As a woman's role in the family changes, so does the mother-daughter relationship, says KUSUM LATA SAWHNEY.
One of the greatest relationships is the mother-daughter equation. It is a highly charged and constantly changing relationship. When you are very young, your mother is akin to a goddess. She has all the answers and can fix anything and you are her little follower. When you are a teenager, she is the most out-of-touch person who just does not understand you. We want her approval all the time and become irritable and disappointed when she is critical, for, she seems to only notice our flaws! When we are in our twenties and thirties, we again change and, hopefully, we become friends again. This is because you have matured or because marriage and childbirth also make you understand yourself better and in doing so you also have further insight into your relationship.
This was the old scenario. Today it is a different story.
It is still the greatest relationship. However, life around us has changed so much that the mother has to change to get it right. The onus is on the mother who has had to evolve. The mother has to understand, to empathise, to visualise, to work hard and also to change with the times! She has to keep the balance between your hopes and dreams and your failures and in between make sure you grow up with the right values.
Vital difference
One enormous difference between a mother and daughter of today and yesterday is the element of boredom that has crept into life today. I do not remember my mother ever being bored. I never heard her say those words. Today, on the other hand, women are bored several times a week.
They get bored shopping in the malls or the road-side stalls, they get bored working out at the gym and want to try something else immediately, they get bored going to the same old restaurant, they get bored driving their children to school.
This difference is quite glaring. One has to ask if it is the sameness that is boring? But then you would answer that there is a certain routine in everyone's lives. But when I say bored, what I am really talking about is the feeling of resentment at having to do anything that is less glamorous and less stimulating and generally less worthy of a perceived specialness.
The issue is not whether we are spoilt or not, but in fact to understand that we are spoilt and that we need to rein it in. After all, we have jobs, futures, social lives, gym memberships but not enough ‘mojo' to keep from reaching a plateau. And who is to blame? Is it the grinding routine of our busy lives? Is it the cooking, looking after the children, the partying, the caring for the in-laws or walking the dog? This theory does not seem to fit.
According to Anju, a housewife, her relationship with her mother is fraught with tension “because of her own issues of discontent”. She also adds, “my mother's routine was no more stimulating. She didn't have a job but she didn't complain because she thought she was quite lucky not to.”
It was very different before. A generation that was grateful for what they had, working constantly to make it better but realistic enough to know what was possible and what was just a pipe dream.
Everyone knew that there was a lot of hard work involved but there were good times too. Family get-togethers, parties and personal triumphs. Says Sushma Sethi, “We were much more hardy, we would do what we had to do and were genuinely grateful.” She says she never felt she was too good for anything. “If it had to be done, it had to be done”.
“A big difference in my mother's life is that she did not think of herself as a diva living a life less than she deserved,” says Bharti, a banker and her mother readily concurs. Mrs. Sheila Malhotra says, “She was content with what she had.” Bharti, on the other hand, has no qualms about being upfront: “she wants it all and wants it quickly.”
Life was tough and is tough. We make it worse by comparisons. We all know that realistic expectations are the key. “One should dream but with a sense of reality,” says Jyoti a down-to-earth mother of two. “It is so important to understand that if we want to change our lives, we'll have to think about what we can do to make that change rather than wishing we could be a movie star and live in a 26-floor mansion like the Ambanis”.
“If you are secretly resentful, it is like a slow poison that eats away at you,” says Sapna. And she should know. “My mother had a fabulous voice. I spent many years trying to be a singer but with a mediocre voice I did not get anywhere”. Today she runs a talent company and helps others up the staircase of music. She is happier and has a loving relationship with her mother who was the first one to point out her limitations. “I finally understand that she notices my every flaw but only because she notices her own so clearly.”
Changing expectations
Another big difference is that today life is much more competitive and stressful but we also expect more, are more ambitious and want more from life and we want it all now. We want it to all happen instantly. In the old days, there were rock stars but today we all believe we are rock stars or can be. It is not a bad thing to be ambitious. But we need to also get real!
We are all very special but there are yardsticks we aspire to. But we should not let them define us. It is great to have them but we need to take them with a pinch of salt.
People are generally happier when they have spent some time working out their own priorities and what is important to them. When they understand their strengths and weaknesses. It is when you measure yourself against an external barometer that you feel bad and guilty about how your life should be. Says Meena, “We are judging ourselves by other people's values.”
Doctors say it is all about the external versus the internal. If we are referencing ourselves externally we will always be unhappy. But if we live according to our internal selves, then we can make choices about what is important and then set our own standards.
Renu Tyagi, 60, who spent her entire life as a teacher says, “We were much more honest and realistic. We had clearly defined boundaries. Today it is all very vague and the adage ‘anything goes' seems to govern lives, which is not a good thing.”
Renu's mother, a sprightly 86, says, “Women didn't work in my time so we concentrated on being good home makers and always made food for our husband. Today she sees her married granddaughter constantly saying that she does not feel like cooking so the couple go out. It's as much about the changing times as it is about the evolving relationships and expectations.”
Priorities were very different then. “It was always about my family, my husband and children, my home,” says Mrs. Deol. “Today my daughter cares about her family but she also cares about herself. She is also a valued and important part of the family. Maybe it is because she also contributes to the household in a monetary way.” But not necessarily. Says Kavita, “The value of life has changed. Even a housewife is respected for bringing up her children in today's increasingly difficult world.” Agrees Mrs. Deol, “If my daughter is happy then it makes sense that her family will be happy too.”
Values are changing along with the times. Says Rima, “I was brought up liberally but I did not question everything. My daughter questions everything and paramount is her right to do what she wants within boundaries.” The young are much more forthright and unselfconscious. Says Rima, “My 15-year-old daughter wants to wear a bikini but my mother was horrified. I allowed her to wear a bikini when on holiday abroad and also when my mother was not around. Just because I didn't wear one does not mean my daughter should not. If she wants to, why not?”
New boundaries
Is that hypocritical? No, just understanding your daughter and the sensibility of your parents. It's a changing world with lots of new boundaries to work with.
As the child grows from dependence to womanhood the mother has to keep in mind the child's emotions, her need for limits, her privacy, her concern for her and her safety should not exclude the reality of an intensely smaller and global world.
Some mothers do change and can cement their relationship by being honest and forthright but some refuse to and lose out. A mother may appear cruel but by being honest she is demonstrating her love. As my mother keeps saying, “No one else will love you the way I do” and when the child understands that no matter early or late — in those times or these times — it becomes a great source of power and fulfilment. No matter the times we live in!
[SOURCE: THE HINDU | SUNDAY, MARCH 6, 2011]
